Hello, is this the ASPCA?! I need to report a kidnapping and assault. My name is Toulouse de Bienville. I am a beautiful long-haired Calico of Main Coon Cat lineage…
Oh, you stupid humans! Always wanting to get to the facts, not the least interested to know what a privilege you have talking to one of my beauty, my breeding…
Fine! (audible huff.) The reason I called is my servant assaulted me today. She kidnapped me under vile circumstances. I was giving my lovely coat Bath 6 when the delicious aroma of catnip floated in my nostrils. When I saw my favorite catnip toy (the one that DOESN’T smell like my vile little brother) I went to cuddle and– BAM!!!! I was picked up and shoved it into an awful little box.
That was only the beginning of my nightmare. I was then put it the loud, rumbling thing. I think the servants call it a car. Several times, I reprimanded my servant for her wicked actions. I also demanded to know where I was being taken and was given insipid answers. “It’s okay, you’re a good girl.” I KNOW I’m a good girl; this servant is the one beneath contempt. “Don’t be scared; it’s going to be alright.”
That, good sir, was an outright lie! My prison box was escorted to an oblong building that smelled of medicine and dog. In a much too bright room (my delicate feline eyes are very sensitive) I was laid down on a shiny table and some stranger started groping me without a by-your-leave. This unknown person laid down some treats but you’ve got to wake up pretty early in the morning to fool Toulouse! I’m sure they were poisoned and I was proven right. When I refused this shady bribe, they used some evil instrument to jab their wicked potions into me.
After that, the nightmare started receding. I was taken home and went straight to the servant’s phone. Yes, cats can use phones–we can do all sorts of things you servants only wish you knew about.
Now I wish to press charges. Have my wretched servant thrown in a dungeon immediately! Have her beaten and tortured…is that tuna, Servant of the Red hair? Hmmm, it’s quite good tuna–there’s more? Well, well things are turning around. Now you’re treating in the manner I expect and richly deserve.
ASPCA, it seems your services aren’t required today but do keep an open file in case my servant loses her mind again.